Steve Allen was one of the first hosts of the Tonight Show on NBC, and in many ways, he was a comic genius. Not only did he surround himself with a hilarious cast (including Don Knotts, Tom Postin and Louis Nye), but he had a great off-the-cuff wit. One night a member of the audience asked him, “Do they get your show in Cleveland?” His immediate reply was “Well, they receive it, but they don’t get it.”
That’s the way I feel about life sometimes…I just don’t get it. So I thought I would share with you, my loyal readers, a few things that I just don’t get:
-Why are there so many people that are anxious for the world to end? First there was the whole “the world is ending in 2012 because that’s when the Mayan calendar ends” crap that started surfacing a couple of years ago. I had an Elvis calendar back in 1998 that was one of those weird 18 month calendars, and it ended on June 30th. Did I start telling people that the world was coming to an end because my Elvis calendar ended? Even if it did have a photo from “Elvis: That’s the Way It Is”, which was his last official movie, I figured life would go on. Now there’s some ancient clown who says he put some numbers together and came to the conclusion that the rapture was going to happen on May 21st. Unless it was a very closely guarded secret, I didn’t see it happen. From what most biblical scholars tell us (I’ve read it from cover to cover, but didn’t understand a lot of it, and don’t remember this passage) only God and Jesus know when judgement day will come, and as George Burns said (as God) in the 1970’s movie Oh, God!, “I can’t tell you when judgement day comes, but between you and me, I wouldn’t look forward to it. There will be a lot of running around and screaming.” Nuff said.
-I’m sure everyone has heard about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s little indiscretion some ten years ago. The other night, my wife was watching one of those Hollywood Insider-type shows, and they were examining the question, “Does Arnold Schwarzenegger have a sexual addiction?” I’ll take it from here, folks. My answer would be “no”. I’ll tell you what Arnold suffers from, and probably has suffered from most of his life. It’s a technical term, but one I’m sure you’re familiar with: he’s HORNY. Yes, that’s right. I speak from experience, as I have been horny several times myself. I’ve known hundreds of guys during the course of my lifetime, and I don’t know a single one who has NOT suffered from this condition occasionally. Here’s how it probably went down: Maria was at work, kids were in school, and Arnold was between movies, so he pretty much had nothing to do but hang around the house all day waiting for the phone to ring. While he was laying around watching soap operas (face it, you’ve never seen a Rosanne-type woman in a soap) he was probably having some fantasy about being Stephano and kidnapping Marlena…when the Mexican maid walks in the room, and says something like “would you like me to make you a sandwich, Mr. Arnold?” He heard it as, “Stephano, I’ve ALWAYS wanted you” and sprang into action. Did the maid want to lose her cushy gig working for a Kennedy? Nope. Then, about three months later, when she was starting to show, she probably couldn’t help herself, and pointed to her growing stomach saying, in a thick Austrian accent, “It’s not a tumor!”
-Lady GaGa. Sorry, just don’t get it.
-Why in the name of everything sacred would anyone want to be President of the United States? Let’s just take a look at the last 30 days or so for our friend Barry: Donald Trump brings up the whole birth certificate controversy until it finally appears. You would think that the real item appearing would shut this ass-clown up, but then he turns around and says something like “I’m glad I was responsible for clearing this thing up.” Then there was the Bin Laden raid, where the world’s most wanted man was captured and killed. Now, we did what every American has been wanting for the past 10 years…we killed the bastard and stole his porn! What happened? Sure, there was a lot of appreciation, but there was also a lot of “I don’t really believe it happened because they disposed of the body so quickly” (they were honoring Bin Laden’s religion) and even “Obama can’t take credit for this since Bush set the whole thing up.” THEN, while he’s in Europe, some terrible storms roll through the US, and he gets crap for not being in the country. EVEN WORSE, he and his wife have to visit the royal newlyweds, who seem like the most boring stiffs on the planet! I don’t think either of them would say shit if they had a mouthful.
Man…I just don’t get it.