Today at work, a couple of co-workers called me names…jokingly, of course (at least I think so). One called me hurtful, and I can’t remember what the other name was. The first thing that popped in my mind was that both names together would be great for a pair of wrestlers… “The World Tag-Team Champions, Hurtful and Harmful” or something like that. Then it occurred to me:
Maybe I need to change my name.
Don’t laugh! Look at how many people in the entertainment industry have changed their names. Do you think anyone would consider Marion Morrison the toughest American cowboy of all time? Probably not, but JOHN WAYNE, now THAT’S more believeable!
Musicians have gotten in on the act. Not many people would remember whats-his-name, that Gordon guy playing bass…but they certainly remember Sting. AndCher. And Bono.
What about major sports heroes? Ask Cassius Clay, Bobby Moore, Lew Alcindor and Chad Johnson, better known these days as Muhammed Ali, Ahmad Rashad, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Chad Ochocinco.
Just last week NBA star Ron Artest announced that he had changed his name to Metta World Peace. His first name is “Metta”, his last name is “World Peace”. “Changing my name was meant to inspire and bring youth together all around the world,” World Peace said in a statement released after the name change court hearing. His publicist, Courtney Barnes, said that World Peace chose Metta as his first name because it is a traditional Buddhist word that means loving and kindness toward all. Metta World Peace. WTF?
So maybe I should take advice from that story, and change my first name to “Metta”. What would my last name be? “Girl in a bar?” Get it? Metta Girl In A Bar! Or as I get older, I can change my last name to “Mucil”. Then I would be Metta Mucil! Or maybe I could just use Metta and choose something that I think would bring together youth from all over the world through a common bond (Metta Masturbation?)
OK, maybe Metta isn’t the answer for me. Other athletes took a new name for religious reasons. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a terribly religious person, but that shouldn’t hold me back. Since I am a Christian, maybe I could be Rick Christ. Or Rick God. Or Rick Moses…hey, I kinda like the sound of that. Or maybe Rick Joseph. Nah, that sounds too much like a radio name.
Maybe I could be like a rock star and just take a one word name, although I don’t think just being “Rick” would cut it. Where did Sting and Bono get their names, you ask? Bono started as Bono Vox, which is evidently an alteration of Bonavox, a Latin phrase which translates to “good voice.” I also think I have a pretty good voice, but there’s already a Bono, so maybe I could just be Vox. Nah. Sting got his name because he used to wear a sweater onstage that other band members thought made him look like a bee, thus Sting. I don’t have any clothes that make me look like anything else…maybe I could take something from my most frequent work attire, and call myself “Polo” or “Khaki”.
All those name choices suck. So I’m counting on you, the reader, to come up with a new name for me. Maybe it can just be a nickname, like “T-Bone” or “Chip”.
Nevermind. I don’t feel like changing my Facebook profile.