Does anyone really make New Year’s resolutions anymore? I mean, it’s such bullshit…no one follows them for more than a week or two. Just look at how many people are at the health club in January, then go back in April and do a head count. All of those people vowing to lose weight and get in shape have chucked their gym bags in the closet and are sitting in front of an entire chocolate cake with just a fork.
Instead of making resolutions, make goals. And what the hell, make those goals as attainable as those stupid resolutions that people make. After all, life is a cartoon, right?
Here are some of my goals for 2012, in no particular order:
1-I want super hero powers. Alright, I know that this one is a little “out there,” but think about it. Wouldn’t it be cool to be able to turn invisible whenever you wanted? Or to have super-human strength to pick up the couch and vacuum under it without breaking a sweat? I think I know what my super hero power would be…sarcasm. That’s right, no one would be able to match wits with me, because I would have the perfect comeback to every line that was thrown my way. And when I would leave a group of people with their jaws on the floor, I can almost hear one of them say in stunned amazement, “THAT…is one sarcastic bastard.”
2-I want to star in a major motion picture. I’m not sure what my genre would be. Comedy? Drama? Action-adventure? I’m not really sure. But it would really be cool to hang out in my trailor between takes, watching a little TV or having cocktails with people who claim to be my friends. I could be condescending, but in a nice sort of way so that people who work on the set could tell their friends and family, “he’s really condescending, but in a nice sort of way. It’s hard not to like him.” And though I would donate some of my monstrous earnings to charity, I would also drop some heavy cash on stupid things…like paying $350,000 for the remains of Michael Jackson’s chimp (if he is, in fact, dead). NOTE: I don’t even have to be the star of the movie…just want the trailor and fat paycheck.
3-I want to play for the Minnesota Vikings. All I want is to make the team so I can have one of those companies frame my purple jersey and I can hang it in my family room. I certainly couldn’t do any worse than the team that’s currently in place.
4-I want to run for President of the United States. See number 3.
5-I want to open for Van Halen on their 2012 tour. Yep, the VH boys have announced that they’re going to tour this year with David Lee Roth up front. The only difference from the original band, from what I understand, is that Michael Anthony is not joining the tour, and Eddie’s son, Wolfgang, will be playing bass. Now, granted, I’m sure things won’t be nearly as crazy as they were on the 1984 tour, but you’ve gotta figure they’re still going to have some fun. After all, we’re talking about the band whose drummer (Alex Van Halen) once boasted, “Being a rock star is great. I just wish I had more than one dick” or something like that. I googled “Alex Van Halen dick quote” and nothing really came up (get it?)…but I swear I read it somewhere.
6-I want to invent something that will make my name known for generations to come. I’m not sure what it would be, maybe something as simple as a better mousetrap (hmm, just thought of you for some reason, Melodie). But it has to be something that would put me in the history books, like Edison or Fulton or Alexander Graham Bell. I just want to know that, years from now, some parent will look at their son or daughter and say, “You know, if it weren’t for a guy named Rick, we would still have to manually pour milk on our cereal in the morning” or something like that.