My last entry had a few random thoughts, but these are the first REALLY random thoughts for 2012. As Morgan Freeman would say, “Get busy writing random thoughts, or get busy dying.”
– I stand by my opinion that “Family Guy” is pure genius. It’s the most un-politically correct show I’ve ever seen, and every episode makes my laugh out loud at least once. Tonight’s LOL moment came when Lois said, “I don’t have any problems with gay people at all. I mean, I’ll watch just about everything David Schwimmer is in.” Any guy who has ever watched “Friends” and saw that douche with Jennifer Aniston will find Lois’ comment hilarious.
– Speaking of TV shows, my 13-year-old daughter’s favorite show is a teen drama called “Pretty Little Liars”. Every week, there’s dramatic music, missing people, murder, sexual overtones and, in general, kids having absolutely no fun. Where the fuck do these kids go to school? I’m sure that if I paid attention to it for more than 90 seconds I would probably learn that they’re in California. I spent my high school years in the good old Midwest. Here’s the only drama I ever experienced (in three acts):
Friend: We need beer. (dramatic music)
Me: I think I know where we can get some.
Friend: We need weed. (dramatic music)
Me: I think I know where I can get some.
My Mom: You need a haircut. (dramatic music)
Me: I think I know where I can get some.
My Mom: What?
Me: Um, I need to go get a haircut.
How’s that for some edge-of-your-seat shit?
-The new Van Halen tune sucks ass. Just sayin.
– My friend Melodie went to the dentist today. She said that he uses nitris oxide and follows it up with pure oxygen, so she pretty much floats out of his office. I went to the eye doctor for my annual check-up on Monday, and all they did was put some goopy drops in my eyes so the doctor could poke them to check me for glaucoma and it wouldn’t hurt. I’m thinking about having Melodie’s dentist do all of my check-ups from now on…dentistry, eye exams, ear, nose, throat…hell, I’ll even let him do a prostate exam if I can score some of that happy gas. Sometimes in life, you just need a good buzz.
-I had a hot dog at the basketball game the other night. If one more person who sees me eating a hot dog says, “You wouldn’t eat hot dogs if you knew what was in them,” I’m going to shove hot dogs into their nostrils. I must confess that I don’t know what’s in 95% of the crap that I eat, and you know what? I eat it anyway, because it’s GOOD. If I knew what was in everything that I ate, I would never drink soda, never go to McDonalds or Subway, probably never eat pizza, or twinkies for that matter. Ever look at ingredient lists on most food? There’s a lot of chemicals there, folks. A lot of man-made chemicals. In the grand scheme of things, whatever is in a hot dog may pale in comparison to some of the other things I ask my body to digest.
-I was watching CNN in our cafeteria while I was eating lunch today. Of course, since it is so noisy in the cafeteria, the sound is muted and closed captioning is employed. I was watching a dog food commercial, and not only did it caption the text of what the person in the commercial was saying, it also captioned the text of what the dog was saying. It went something like this:
“Because I want the best for my dog!” “bark”
Forgive me for coming off as somewhat cold and uncaring, but does a person who is hearing impaired really need to know what the hell the dog in the commercial said? Don’t you think that they would pretty much assume the dog would make a dog noise, like a ”bark”? I mean, I wasn’t watching the text and thinking, “Well, of course the owner wants the best for his dog, but I wonder what the dog thinks?” “bark” Well, I guess it’s ok with him!” And when there is a musical jingle in a commercial, they will put musical notes around the text, as to indicate “they’re singing this.” In my opinion, if you’re going to go to that much trouble, go the whole route. So the dog food commercial could be something like “Because I want the best for my dog!” the character is saying rather unconvincingly, showing very little actual love for his animal. “bark” the dog responds with a sad, unloved tone in his voice, knowing full well that while he is doing all the work in this commercial, it’s his trainer who is cashing the check.
That’s what is randomly clicking in my mind as 2012 gets going. Hope your new year is going well so far. Mine has been kind of “eh”.
Maybe I need to see Melodie’s dentist.