Write something for Christ sake!

I just checked. My last blog entry was March 21, 2012. March twenty-fucking-first. What in God’s name have I been doing? I remember when I used to write a blog every single day, except maybe Saturday. Where the hell did I get all that free time!?!  I seriously have no idea.

The thing that really astounds me is that when I check my stats page, there are still people who visit my site every day. Maybe they’re enjoying “the best of Groovyrick” and re-reading their favorite entries. I even have new people who google something and my blog comes up, and they leave me a nice note.

I’ve been WANTING to write…really!  But…you see…I’ve been…it’s been…aw, forget it. You fine folks are too good to me to just fill you full of excuses.  I’ve been a slacker, and I’ll own up to it. If nothing else, I try to be honest…and I’ll try to get this thing on the move…at least once a week for now. Maybe, once I get back into the groove (boy you’ve got to prove your love for me)(sorry, random Madonna moment), I can even get back to that stupid damn book I started and try to make some progress there.

There. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Jesus, I don’t know about you but I REALLY feel better. I feel like we should have a party. A real party…alcohol…music…mimes serving snacks…scantily-clad women dancing for tips…and no catalogs…DEFINITELY no catalogs.

Why do they even call those “parties”? You know the kind…Tupperware, Scentsy, Thirty-One.  The kind where women invite a bunch of other women to their house, feed them some snacks, maybe a little wine, and then shove a catalog in their face and try to get them to buy something…so that they’ll get some of the same merchandise free. Why did that idea never catch on with guys? I’ve heard about tool parties, but have never been invited to one.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely against the concept. When you think about it, it’s actually pretty cool.

Imagine attending one of these parties:

Beer Variety Party: Here’s the scenario…you invite a bunch of guys (or girls) over to your house and get them to try a bunch of different beers. Then you make the pitch: “Wanna buy some of this beer? If you do, I’ll get a bunch of free beer, and then we’ll both have a lot of beer!”  I’m guessing the more they drink, the more they’ll want to buy. Remember the wise words of 80’s comedian Gallagher: “You know how they tell you to eat a lot before you go to the grocery store so you won’t buy so much food? Well, that don’t work with the liquor store, does it? You go in there drunk, you want to buy everything they got!”

Nissan (or any vehicle) Party: My nephew sells cars for the local Nissan dealer. He gets someone like me to host a party or two. He brings out one of each Nissan model on their lot. I invite a bunch of friends, invite them to take a little drive in the model of their choosing, them give them a little alcohol and try to talk them into buying a new Nissan. Can’t miss, right? For every person that buys a new Nissan, I get points toward getting a new Nissan free! My friends get cool cars, my nephew gets a fat commission check, and I get a new car! If that’s not a win-win-win situation, I don’t know what is. Careful…don’t give them the alcohol BEFORE they test drive!

Chicken Ranch Party: For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, the Chicken Ranch is a legal, licensed brothel located about 60 miles west of Las Vegas near the town of Pahrump, Nevada. I think you can figure this one out for yourselves. Remember, the more your friends buy, the more freebies you get! Geez, and I thought the car idea was gold!

Bring Stuff For Me Party: I think this is the easiest, most satisfying party of all. There are no catalogs to look at…nothing to buy…hell, you wouldn’t even have to show up. Just give me stuff. Free stuff. Have it delivered if you want. I don’t have to go through the hassle of building points toward merchandise, and you don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings by coming to my party and not buying anything from my catalog. It can be just about anything of value…vehicles, guitars, alcohol, food, even money! Just give it to me!

I should have thought of this YEARS ago.

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About groovyrick

I live in a small town in Illinois with my wife and three kids. I am a part-time musician, part-time writer, and full-time dreamer.
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3 Responses to Write something for Christ sake!

  1. Amy Ruppert says:

    Glad to see you are back.

  2. Melinda says:

    I wondered if you had stopped writing, and now I have the answer. Welcome back!
    It is my belief that most women (if they’re honest) would tell you they don’t enjoy those catalog parties. With a few exceptions, I think most of the time we go to be nice or to help out a friend. I know, that’s weird.

  3. Beth says:

    Glad you are writing again! And I want to be invited to the very first party—just to be part of the concept. LIke Melinda, I hate those parties with Tupperware or Mary Kay make up. But unlike Melinda, I’ve just stopped being nice. I don’t go. A beer party though……

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